Highs and Lows

It's funny how you can totally go from one extreme to the other, and sometimes with no explanation as to why. Oh sure, I can probably name a few things that aren't helping matters much, but it's more than those. It's stuff I'm not even sure about. Some of it is stuff that makes absolutely no logical sense.

Yesterday was wonderful. I was able to be out in the sun, walk on the sand, put my feet in the ocean - even if it was really cold. That if nothing else should have helped to keep my buoyed. Sunshine and warm weather after all the rain we've had lately. Church was amazing, and I really felt like I belong, that I'm home when I'm there.

And then I leave. And stuff seems to stop making sense. I'm not sure where I fit in.

I know part of that is my fault. I don't do stuff with my co-workers. That's largely my choice. They're fine, but we really don't have common interests. And even at work I get these vibes from them that they'd really rather I'm not there. I'm working on hopefully making that happen for next year, even if I'm just at another site. I don't need to deal with that kind of toxicity. And so I choose not to subject myself to more of that after work hours. The one friend I really had at my site moved to another one last year, and we don't get to see each other all that much. and she's getting ready to move out of state.

Finances contribute to things too. I've made some mistakes in that area which I'm working on fixing, and I don't have as much at my disposal as I should have. So that makes things harder too. It limits what I can do and when I can do it. And that's hard too.

And there are things that I have loved, things that have provided me a safe space, but now even those don't feel like they're all that safe anymore. Not physically safe, I don't mean that. I feel physically safe 95% of the time. I mean emotionally safe. I used to be able to go there and let go of everything, but everything's different now. It's changed. And while that change is exciting and I'm generally happy about it, it also kind of makes me sad. Because it's meant other things are changing too. Things that weren't necessarily as cemented as I would have wished they could be. And things that may be changing based on stuff out of my control that I can only imagine.

And it all circles back around to the friendship and connection thing. Stuff that is not just dependent on me and what I do. It's stuff that other people have the potential to influence in some cases; people I don't trust. And that's a scary place to be in. Not knowing if some people involved will believe me and what they know about me or if they'll believe these others who may have other motives.

I know I'm not explaining it well. It's hard to explain unless you've involved in the situation and know who I am. But it's a hard place to be in.

I finished Girl Meets God this evening, and it became even more obvious as I read why I felt drawn to the book yesterday in particular. But it's not like the book gave me any magic answers. If anything, it just opened up more questions, more doors I haven't opened before. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but it's not exactly easy.

I posted on my facebook that I just want to curl up i a ball and cry, and I'm not sure why. And it's interesting that two of my friends on there ~ one from youth stuff in a past career and one from college, both definitely on the religious side of things ~ commented that they would be thinking about and praying for me tonight... That connection thing again?

I don't know. Something definitely seems to be moving among us.

I guess I just wish it was a little more evident what was going on and where the path was leading.