she keeps her love away

Today at church was...interesting. We heard both pieces of news I mentioned earlier today from the pulpit. RJ knew the first happy bit of news. I had told him the second not so happy bit as he hadn't been able to open that email due to 5 attachments of their signatures on it. Let's just say that there was a very bittersweet mood in the service after the sermon. And I'd imagine it will only get moreso as we get closer to September. I don't think this will lead to me changing churches again...but we shall see. I don't know how it works with associates - if the parish gets any say or if it's all the rector's decision. I've never really been around for that kind of process. I'll give almost anyone a chance. There is one person from seminary who I would have serious pause should he come (I think those of us who've known about that..."adventure" know of whom I speak), but I'd be shocked if a) he came to NYC and b) he came to a church as liberal (in spite of high-ness) as Holy Apostles. We shall see though...and worry about that should it come to pass. (The fact that it even popped into my head as a possibility kind of freaks me out...hoping it's not the gut pinging early.)

I know I've moved so far beyond that, beyond him. And not just in terms of acknowledging my sexuality. But it doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt in a way if I think about it. I wouldn't be human if I didn't still hurt a little. Because things happened - regardless of the reasoning behind them or the likelihood of them happening again (NIL!) - that I can't just erase and that learning the things I now know about myself don't negate. It happened. How nice it would be if I could just wave a wand and poof they'd be gone. But then I wouldn't be human, and I wouldn't have grown from that. Still...I'm not sure how well I'd cope in a situation where I'd have to see him every week.

Again, I'm being WAY too premature I'm sure.

Laundry is done. That was the LONGEST feeling time doing laundry, largely because of two boys sent to do laundry who insisted on jumping around and being all street and trying to be gangsta. They really only succeeded in being ANNOYING! Especially the smaller one. Imagine a small yappy puppy bouncing all over the place - but with a nasty mouth and attitude on him and you get the picture. Grr. At least I'm done for a couple of weeks. Hooray!

Talked with Mom and Daddy. Some friends of theirs from church are coming up here in mid-December and seeing "some play with a religious-sounding title" according to Daddy. "Um, God of Carnage?" Oh yes, that's it. HAHA! The guy is upset that he won't be seeing the original cast, but it's not like that information about the change hasn't been out for MONTHS. I've heard really good things about the new cast - and for a show like that, where it's so much physical comedy and so dependent on the chemistry between the actors, I'm really glad they DID change all 4 out at once so the new group can gel as they are and not try to fit into someone else's paradigm. Daddy said he mentioned to them that they really should see next to normal. The guy said he really wanted to - he knew all about it, Alice, etc. - but his wife is "afraid it will be too emotional". Daddy said "Well, it IS emotional, but it's excellent and worth seeing." He mentioned how much I love it (exaggerated the number of times I've seen it by...7. HA!) and everything. He asked if there was a playbill or something we could get while they're here that they could take back, and I said "Yeah...though that won't really tell them much..." We ended up with me emailing them and sending them the website, telling them my experience with the show, and offering to answer any questions they might have and (oh please twist my arm) offering to try the lottery and meet up with them before/after the show. So we'll see.

One thing we get to add to the agenda while they're here this week...something I never thought I'd do... We have to go to American Girl Place. *headdesk* I guess he's getting a doll for another friend of theirs at church for her daughter for Christmas. I don't think he knows what he's gotten himself into. At least he knows exactly what she wants, so we can hopefully go in, get it, and flee. Haha. He mentioned we could go on Friday, and I laid down the law and said we would NOT be going near there on Black Friday. Saturday or Sunday will be bad enough. Also? He wants to go to FAO Schwartz. What fun!

In other stuff... Still feeling blah. Not really sure why. Just...ugh. So not fun! Oh well...just another day.

BTW - Does anyone know if you can "unengrave" a picture frame? I have one that was given to me as a birthday present, but I really don't want the engraving that's on there...I don't need to be reminded of that fake friendship. Suggestions? (I've already considered putting it on EBay, but it's so specific since her name is on there, I doubt it would sell.)

Last day of this. That is kind of sad. But... We shall be happy for 8 more things.

1. My new Harry Potter ringtone on my phone. Yes, I'm a geek. So what?

2. SUNSHINE!!!!

3. That my left tonsil decided to stop hurting. Yes, I am weird and can tell you which tonsil hurts if it's only one of them.

4. A weekend with NO plans!!!!

5. My harp and ocean surf sleep CD!!!! It is wonderful!!!

6. Candles burning in my apartment!!

7. That we live in an age where we have cold meds that work!!

8. My fuzzy and warm Life Is Good socks!!

Tomorrow I'll return to my regular posting. :)

1. Hot showers! I'd actually prefer a hot bath, but given that my little NYC apartment only has a shower and no tub, I'll deal with a shower.

2. Satsuma Body Butter from The Body Shop!

3. Chinese food! Specifically today, orange chicken!!

4. Hot tea with honey!!

5. Frozen Reese's cups!

6. An airplane ticket home for Christmas!! And for under $300!!!!

7. Being ok with whoever wins ANTM tonight. This is the first time I haven't actively wanted one of them to not be chosen. I have a favorite, but I'll truly be happy for either of them.

8. That paso doble on SYTYCD last night! STUNNING!!!

1. SUNSHINE!!!

2. Garden Day!!!!

3. Realizing that I had an extra hundred dollars in the bank account I'd somehow left out with my mental calculations!

4. Sloppy fries from Schnipper's!

5. Pumpkin Cheesecake from Junior's!

6. Only getting tapped (and not knocked down) by a stupid driver backing up and not watching. I'm fine. Just a small bruise on the outside of my knee.

7. Emily Skinner singing "Distant Melody" and kicking the hell out of "When You're Good To Mama"!!!

8. Emily hugs after the concert!! (And the Emily encouragement with my writing!)

(Yes, this was things for Monday. Just got in.)

My things to be happy about today...

1. DIRECT DEPOSIT!!!!!

2. Initial Certification licenses are paid for!

3. A working umbrella that didn't get blown inside out and broken by the wind.

4. A few moments when I didn't need the umbrella.

5. "Both Sides Now" and "Heal Me" back to back on the iPod playlist!! <3

6. Fun talks with RJ - and plans to lottery next to normal

7. Good conversation with a new friend at church.

8. NEW BOOTS!!!!

I'm sitting here in Bryant Park, watching the ice skaters go by. And listening to charming 70's music they're piping over the speakers. (Well, at the moment...they vary it a LOT.)

I got 13 more pages of script written. It's not what immediately follows the first three (well, it will be two when I combine scenes 1 and 2), because honestly right now I'm a little lost as to where I want to go right after those. But I knew this scene needed to be written, even if I'm not sure where it fits in. I think I may need to add in a little more somewhere...but we'll see. I needed a little bit of a break cause it was a tough scene to write emotionally - up there with the suicide attempt I wrote in last year's NaNo. Also...I think this scene will be towards the end of the play, but I'm not sure. Right now things are just kind of happening piecemeal, then I'll work on putting them together. I'm tempted to just finish up this scene and hand it in...so what if it's one scene. Kuros said it felt like the kind of play that would have long scenes in it. So there. :P I think I could get away with just having the one scene as what I hand in. Especially if I'm not sure what comes before or after it. Better just one than having two that aren't related, right? Cause there's one more I know I want to get out...but I don't think it's going to lead into or follow this one. Though I guess it could lead into it... Hmmm... Maybe I just need to write it and see.

I figure I'll hang around for another couple of hours and play lotto games at the Booth later. Could be fun! Will tonight be the time for time #50? Who knows! That's the fun of lotto games. :)

I went by Town Hall earlier this week and got my ticket for Broadway Unplugged. I wanted to wait until a lot closer to the date (it's the 16th) for the announcement of who is 99% sure to be in it. I'm in the next to last row of the mezz, but that's ok. :)

Um... Not sure what else there is to report for now. So I'll stop rambling. :)

I got it from my friend AJ

NINE things about yourself:
1. I am a teacher.
2. I am a coffee snob. Working at Starbucks will do that to you.
3. New York City is my true home, and I cannot imagine living anywhere else now.
4. I sometimes wish I'd stuck with my trombone playing and/or singing.
5. I'm a bookworm.
6. I've been atheist since age nine or ten, and have very passionate feelings about religion in the modern world.
7. I have a memory like you wouldn't believe, and that's not always a good thing.
8. I love languages and want to polish up my French and Italian and learn more.
9. I cannot remember a time when music and books weren't a part of my life. Thanks Mom and Daddy!

EIGHT ways to win your heart:
1. Be HONEST with me!
2. Be yourself!
3. Be willing to hold me.
4. Love the arts!
5. Be open to the universe.
6. Don't judge me.
7. Respect beliefs that differ from yours. There's a difference between accepting and respecting. Know that difference and RESPECT.
8. Understand that I can be kind of scatter-brained, but that my organizational system works for me. For example, DO NOT try and force a file cabinet on me.

SEVEN things that cross your mind a lot:
1. Why???
2. I want to see a show!
3. I should be writing.
4. What did I do wrong?
5. Maybe I should seriously look into therapy.
6. Life in general.
7. MY best friends.

SIX things you wish you could say to SIX different people right now:
1. President Obama & Congress - I want to be able to marry any person whom I love. Give me the rights I deserve. (I'm keeping this one!!)
2. The latest person to use me and betray and help hurt someone I care about - I hope you're happy. Just don't count on me being around when you get burned. And you WILL get burned.
3. Andrea - I LOVE YOU!
4. Bishop John Spong - THANK YOU for your statement on homosexuality!
5. Bishop Gene Robinson - You are an inspiration! Thank you!!!
6. ES - Although I'd be a mess, please to sing "No One Is Alone" on the 16th??????

FIVE things you do before you fall asleep:
1. Brush my teeth.
2. Wash my face.
3. Double check my alarms.
4. Put the bird to bed.
5. Try to relax so I CAN sleep.

FOUR things you see right now:
1. My MacBook Pro!
2. My bird.
3. A couple of autographed (and note-d) pictures.
4. My cell phone.

THREE songs that you listen to often:
1. "No One Is Alone" - specifically the version Emily does.
2. "She Keeps Her Love Away" by Alice Ripley
3. "Outta Me, Onto You" by Ani DiFranco (thank you Bethany)

TWO things you want to do before you die:
1. Travel! Especially I want to go all over Italy.
2. Truly love myself.

ONE confession:
1. I try not to have regrets, but there are two people I regret EVER having met or let myself get close to.

Unbroken, never ending. Circles draw us in, enclose us in warmth and light. But circles also keep us out. Some are on the inside and others are on the outside. Is there a way to have a circle that includes everyone? What would that look like? Does it mean we all have to agree? No, I don't think so. But there has to be mutual respect and understanding. Infighting...it happens too often when people are close...or not...and are working towards the same thing or who like the same thing. People approach things differntly, and what works for someone might appear to be weird or even incorrect to others. But who is to say what circle ~ or what way into the circle ~ is correct. I think about some of my circles of friendship. Some overlap, some don't. And that's ok. Not all of my friends have to be friends with each other. Sometimes circles expand ~ you draw someone into your circle, or are drawn into their circle...and you meet others who may enter the circle both of you have created together...or you may form your own circle with the new person that may have some overlap with the original circle. Like a Venn Diagram.

And yet...to speak of relationships in terms of circles is not necessarily a true analogy. Because a circle is never ending. And relationships are, whether we like it or not, finite. Yes, some go on for a lifetime, but even those are ended by death. But more often than not, the circles end before death parts the individuals. Time, distance, even the influence of others can lead to endings of relationships. All too often the influence of others. I always try to form my own opinons of someone rather than letting others influence my feelings. And sometimes that ends up costing me friendships or puts some friendships on shaky ground. I'm in a situation where this could easily happen right now, because there is someone I've met through one friend, and I have yet to have a bad experience with her... But there ar two other friends who, to hear them tell it, think that she is the devil incarnate. Talking with her, I see her perspective on them ~ and actually it is not that far from what my gut has been feeling about them lately. But then...then again, I have a disturbing tendency to be too trusting, and it's gotten me burned before. In some ways it's getting me burned now. And so much of it boils down to trust.

In Meet the Parents Robert Deniro's character speaks about "the circle of trust" and really, that's what so much in relationships boils down to. Trust. Who do you trust and how? And what happens when the trust is broken. The pair I mentioned earlier...right now I am really struggling with trusting one of them. Because my trust was violated, actually doubly violated because the person who publicly did betray me had to gain access to what he used from someeone else, and when I confronted my friend, the subject of that person was avoided. (Don't worry, I realize that makes no sense to anyone but me probably.) And yet, if I cut this person out of my life, how will that affect my friendship with the other in the pair? Because they are thick as thieves. In all likelihood, it will make me persona non grata to both of them, much like my new friend is.

It's very confusing, and I don't expect any answers. Just me puzzling things out. And writing.

In a way, writing in a circle. I could go round and round about this in my head, and I have. It's a puzzle with no real solution, much as a circle has no ending. Such fun it is to deal with.

Not a lot going on. Spent the day just hanging out basically. I woke up around 10, which is impressive if you know me. I am not a sleeper-inner. Never really have been. I didn't get that gene or whatever. I cleaned the kitchen ~ did the dishes, wiped off the stove both on top AND underneath the top, wiped out the oven a little, cleaned the top of the fridge. Yay. Cleaned the bathroom...or at least the toilet. Yay.

I'd made a list of things I have to do before going to the beach. I thought most of them would have to be done on the 14th...either in the afternoon after school or after I get home from hanging out with Sharon (? I think that's still happening...we have show tickets anyway...). I've managed to get more done than I intended. I got some CD-Rs and burned the CDs I'm taking for car time and the CD player we'll have in the house and others aren't around and watching TV ~ that eliminated one stop and staying up to burn those on the 14th. I got the card I needed to get and one book at Borders ~ thanks to Bucks, only had to pay for the card. There are still three books I'd like to get. I'm thinking a B&N run may work for those...maybe on the way up to meet Sharon? I've still got part of my gift card from Andrea, plus I have membership there so I'd get a discount. Maybe I can reserve for in-store pick up so I don't have to go looking. Those aren't absolute necessity, but it would be nice to have them. I was able to go to Petco and get a hanging seed treat for the bird for while I'm gone. And today I got my clothes packed. I've got enough t-shirts and stuff I can get by for the next week and have enough to take. And I have enough underwear I could pack and have enough to take. So basically? I just have to put in my glasses and an extra (old so only if emergency) pair of contacts and a couple of bras and I'm good to go there. In my carry-on even! I'd already decided I was going to try and not have to check something. That way I can get an actual breakfast when I get there rather than a snack at Starbucks which I have to hold while trying to maneuver my bag off the belt at baggage claim. And there's a Body Shop at the Charlotte airport, so I can grab some stuff there and only have to get a couple of things at the beach. I don't mind checking on the return trip if I have to. So really the only hectic part of the 14th is going to be going into Manhattan from school, depositing the paycheck, getting cash and a money order, coming back and dropping the money order off, then heading back int Manhattan. The things that need to be paid can be paid online and can actually be done even before school since that's also a regular pay day. w00t! I may be able to take a nap before leaving for the airport after all! (And in the girly TMI department, my body's cooperating by getting something over with NOW rather than later on in the week when there could be carry-over. w00t! Well, as w00t as THAT can be.)

Other shit continues much as I've discussed before. I simply don't understand why or how people are so cruel for no reason. One friend still thinks that the intended target is someone else, but enough things have been said I'm not really believing that one. At least I've had a couple of people defend me. I finally brought it up to someone ~ not one of the usual suspects who are apparently incommunicado right now ~ and the reaction was "Are you crazy????" and further reassurance, so that made me feel a little better. But jeez...I thought I left all that shit back in high school. Guess I thought wrong. I don't know...I'm beginning to think seriously about finding a therapist once school starts. Maybe it would be a good thing... We'll see. I guess I just don't feel like I've got that much to talk about...I'm pretty boring other than when shit starts up. Or I think I'm pretty boring. Who knows. We'll see what happens.

Today's the 2-year anniversary of my Grandaddy's death. That could also explain why I've felt a little off the past couple of days. Alabanza Grandaddy! I love you!!

I've actually managed to make it cold in the apartment. But I don't want to turn the air off...it heats up quickly and takes a while to cool down. Maybe I'll go turn it down a little. And I definitely need to try and make it to church in the morning. LOL. I'm so bad.

I have an idea to do more writing on here that's legit writing and not just babbling about my day. I'll probably start that after the beach since I'll have limited if any access to a computer that week.

Last night I went to Jennifer Weiner's reading, O&A and book signing at the Lincoln Triangle Barnes & Noble. This was my first opportunity to hear and meet her after admiring her writing for years. She is definitely one of my literary idols ~ not that my novel-in-progress Coventry would indicate that. But she is.

The place was packed! They brought out the wristbands which were given to people who purchased the book to indicate that we had priority for seating. Now, to my knowledge, the last time those wristbands were brought out was for Liza's CD signing. But I digress. At any rate, the place was PACKED. And there were like 4 guys there ~ one was a friend of hers there for support, and one was her...I think it was agent's father. The other two I could see were obviously there in hopes of getting some from their girlfriend/wife later that night for being "sensitive". When the guy was introducing her, Jen walked into the little area between the door and the window and saw us all and mouthed "OH! MY! GOD!" then went to get her cell phone to take pictures of us. That in and of itself made me happy. That she's still so down-to-earth it amazes her that so many people show up for her readings/signings.

And it only got better! She started off quipping that she had this dream of having a room full of guys at one of her events if for no other reason than to be able to talk to her Nana and be all "It was a sausage fest in there!" "What? There was a lot of meat in the room?" "No Nana! The room was full of cock!" "There's something wrong with your clock?" Only then did she realize that she'd actually said "cock". She went on to say it a few more times, which was funny ~ in various contexts. And then she told some other stories that were hysterical. She finally quipped "I'd better take some questions before I have NO friends left!"

The questions ranged from things about her books to things about writing and getting published. Someone asked if the people she painted in a negative light ever called her on it, and she said "The thing is, if they're that bad, they usually don't even realize it." But then talked about the one time one person DID appear to figure it out and asked her about it, she said "Now what makes you think that?" which puts that person in the position of either back pedaling or admitting all the shitty things they've done, but they usually don't recognize themselves. HAHA! And she talked about how you can put the funny to you stuff in a first draft, just be prepared to (most likely) cut it in revisions. Which made me happy... If I go with redoing my diary of a first year teacher idea for NaNa 2009 (I got as far as Thanksgiving in the year my first attempt...which not surprisingly corresponded with where I was in my first year of teaching), I can totally use "Emily the Evil" as the name for the assistant principal knowing I can change it in revisions. :) Plus "Emily the Evil" is THREE words every time it's used! (Ok, now I'm being silly, but. Yeah!)

So I got to meet her briefly...as usual I was all tongue-tied. It takes me a couple of times meeting someone for me to open up and be looser ~ my friends in a Broadway show can testify to that! But it was really cool! I was glad she was so down-to-earth and REAL. That's not always the case ~ there is one author (who shall go unnamed) I met twice at signings...and in between a show based on her books got picked up, and the difference in how she was between the two years was SCARY. SOOOOOO Hollywood the second year. But Jen was great ~ she takes a pretty hands-off approach to her works being optioned ("other than cashing that check ASAP" she quipped when asked about books into movies) ~ and so she's, like I said, still really down to earth and humble.

What last night did was get me inspired again about writing. I've done NaNoWriMo for the past three years ~ "won" the last two. I put it in quotes because one year was essentially fanfiction which could never be published and the other I still have a long way to go with (like fleshing out a whole character and adding in a LOT of stuff)...but ultimately from the interest I've heard from people when I talk about it, that one MAY be publishable. The first year I lost (meaning I didn't hit 50,000 words) largely because it was sort of in the vein of The Nanny Diaries, but about a first year teacher, and I was IN my first year teaching, so I really couldn't get much past Thanksgiving and make it believable. That one also seems publishable...but finding an agent who wouldn't be like "WTF?" at the difference in tone and even genre (one is pretty firmly chick lit, the other more literary fic...I'll let you figure out which one is which) ~ hey, i"m nothing if not versatile. I would like to revisit that first novel attempt this year. Start from scratch and really do it right.

But I want to improve my technique. And I've decided to that end I will take some money that would have gone to theatre tickets or a trip or Lasik and enroll in a class at Gotham Writer's Workshop in the fall. I've been to a few of their free things and liked them ~ though i can tell it will vary from teacher to teacher...so finding a match may be an interesting proposition. Now...I may hate it. There is a big difference between a 30 minute or hour introduction and a 10 week course. But I figure if nothing else I WILL get some practice with technique, and that never really hurts does it?

So... Yeah. I've put my most recent short story on here (I think). I may use that for my piece in the first class I take...but we'll see. Depends on what I learn.

Fun, fun! And following a dream I've had even if I didn't know it. Writing. :)